The budget that I worked on, as expected, got rejected. I spent most of the afternoon yesterday tinkering with it. It is a very frustrating process and by 4pm I had mentaly and physically had it.
My job has a lot of responsibility. I have 6 people under me, I'm in charge of spending 100's of millions of dollars a year and 99% of the time I excel in what I do.
There is a part of me though , that thinks one day the PTB's will discover I am a fraud and find a way to get rid of me. I put on a tough exterior, but inside, a lot of days I'm terified I will be discovered. Essentially my job is very easy, at least to me anyways, and I wonder if they could get any shmo to do it.
It carries over in my personal life. I don't see what others do. With me, flatery gets you everywhere. I do recognize that I have been getting better. Over the past, lets say 6 months, my confidence has improved 5 fold. I have grown into a better human being. My good friends have noticed and commented on it and see the positive changes in me. For that I am glad and I am lucky to have them.
I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. I'm not perfect, I'm just a man.
I snapped at a few people, got angry. Got angry a lot. I am sorry to everyone I was bitchy and nasty to. I hope I can be forgiven. If you know me, you know I will have a harder time forgiving myself.